What I want and why it matters

After a weekend stuffed to the gills with class, my head is heavy with thinking over options. I have too many. And anytime you have more than one choice, it helps to have a preference. It is a good thing, I think, to know what you want and to go after it. (While being flexible, of course). But this is an opinion I've been slow to put into practice. I don't think I've known much about my own passions for a number of years now. I've been too preoccupied being flexible and accommodating and un-disappointable. ( It's impossible to achieve pure dispassionate un-disappointability, fyi). Suddenly I find myself the most wishy-washy, spineless, pathetic version of my own personality. I am not a fan.

I may have been too quick to embrace the reality that control is an illusion. I think that despite my inevitable rendezvous with entropy, I need to inject my life with more passion, energy, structure, and purpose.

I just started reading this little book, "Steady Days" and while it's not really anything brilliant or new, it's nice to be told that the structure I'm longing for (and having such trouble implementing) would be good for all parties involved. The book is also giving me lots of opportunities to pause and wonder why God saw fit to give me such a strong-willed first child. I love him, I'll keep him, but He will make this job hard for a long time yet.



I'm hoping to set aside some time this week to ponder some big questions and set some concrete goals. What do I want for and out of my life personally, professionally, temporally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally? (and all those "ally" words start looking like they must be spelled wrong when you type them in a row)

What do you feel passionate enough about that you're able to stay motivated and on track when life gets tricky and when you get tired? I have a lot of bad habits to break. (First and foremost being insomnia.... leading to trying to sleep in, leading to dragging my feet (and resenting the boys for waking me) in the morning, leading to never getting on top of my day, leading to feeling like I have 4 hours of work to do after everyone else is in bed, leading to sleep-deprivation headaches. Tylenol PM may be my short-term solution).

Motivation and structure, my holy grail......

(can you tell that the dreaded February has arrived?)

stop and smell

I find myself knee-deep in yet another floral-ey (wedding-flower-oriented) weekend.




The mornings are early; the days are long; but you can't beat the way it smells.

The mother of invention

I've been itching for a toy-storage solution since well before Christmas. And because I had something like this in mind, I could never talk Mr Renn into it. He is not in the mood to be buying furniture 4 months before a cross-country move.

So the toys kept spilling into the corners of the house, and I kept feeling frustrated.

Then one day, after a particularly sad bout of looking for used expedits on craigslist (where they are still not cheap), I happened to be walking through our laundry room, and I noticed the broken dresser filled with cigarette butts that had long been there with new eyes.

So, after 10-20 screws, wood glue, a bottle of pinesol, and a bucket of elbow grease this is our FREE solution.


It still sort of smells like an old man, but otherwise I think it's slightly brilliant.



I might just look for another dresser for the same purpose (to keep) someday.



(In which case I would probably give the dresser a facelift, but since this one is certainly only living with us a few months I cannot justify it).

Guess What?

We're moving back to Utah!

Renn matched with the U.

Still trying to wrap our brains around all the implications.

There is so much to do!

But we are SO HAPPY. Not only do we not have to come up with a plan B, but we get to hang out with our families again. (Which for us is a good thing!)

Now on to Boards part II, and completing graduation requirements. Mr Renn has a full plate.

Put on your Sunday clothes (and flowers) when you feel down and out...

Don't we look dandy? It was either this or let the flowers go to waste in the refrigerator. I voted for this.

As a bonus, pomanders happen to be hanging in the photo from our ceiling fan. That's a bit serendipitous.

Nosegays

I've not got much to show for myself today, but I'd like to think someday I'll get a chance to use my mad skills. Maybe I can accrue hand-cramps in the name of something greater than filling my living room with flowers.

Not that I don't appreciate a living room full of flowers.....

The day in which I wallow in glue....

Long day today of gluing together corsages, wrist corsages, boutonnieres, and pomanders. Do you have any idea what stubborn stuff floral glue is?

Back at it tomorrow - a day full of bouquets.

In other news, Sir O made it through joyschool today in underwear without any accidents (that I've been made aware of). I think I'm finally going to stop holding my breath and say we've arrived in the realm of leaving the house in underwear. This is big, folks.

Or rather, the biggest big deal we've got around these parts.

Little Things

My life is made up of a string of little things of varying importance and pleasantness just now. Funny how life is still a bit overwhelming even when there's nothing overwhelming in it.

But, I have some little things to share.

I've spent most of my spare moments that last two days watching the new BBC Emma, on Youtube. I highly recommend it to anyone who finds the idea of a new Jane Austen film exciting. For the first time, I did not find Emma Woodhouse difficult to like.
I spotted this on twitter, and it made me cry. (As all things related to Sudan tend to do)

I start my Floral Wedding class tomorrow. If it snows all the inclement weather dates are on Sundays, so I'm REALLY praying for the weather to hold.
Both my boys are adjusting terribly to being back home. All my attempts at inflicting routine on them are met with firm obstinance and incredible orneriness. I am definitely feeling like a less-than-good-mother. I deeply hope this too shall pass.

dressing sideways

Lucky me, I get to be the prince.
(Because I don't fit in the dragon/dinosaur/"cockodile" costume).
And our dragon carries a plastic dagger,
just in case that fire-breathing thing doesn't work out.



I promise I will clean up the messes when we're done playing.

Resolute

I have been slowly bending my mind around what I want out of my life this year.
Motherhood is an exercise in not getting what you want, so this is a tricky direction for my mind to move in.
Oh, my tired and disjointed mind!



I have to be simple and vague in some respects, because the content and direction of life after mid-May is still very much a mystery to us.

Speaking of which, I'm sure everybody's prayers are quite crowded just now, but if you could spare a moment to pray that we match with a residency come the end of this month..... we'd appreciate it!

So, while not in order of importance, I hope the order of importance is not too hard to figure out.

1. Celebrate something every day.

Celebrating is so easy, and I want it to be a way of life for our family. It can just be using the "good" stuff instead of the "everyday" stuff. I'm not a big fan of saving things for "someday" when you can be enjoying them often.

2. Take better care of my body.

First and foremost is sleeping more. Followed closely by drinking more water. I shall be surprised if I get further than that in a year.

3. Improve the structure of our days.

The boys deserve to have a rigid enough routine that they are comfortable with what comes next. I need to be the one in charge more often.

4. Purge and pack and move.

This is huge and makes me hyperventilate sometimes.

5. Improve my character to better fit with this definition:

Character is revealed, for example, in the power to discern the suffering of other people when we ourselves are suffering; in the ability to detect the hunger of others when we are hungry; and in the power to reach out and extend compassion for the spiritual agony of others when we are in the midst of our own spiritual distress. Thus, character is demonstrated by looking and reaching outward when the natural and instinctive response is to be self-absorbed and turn inward. If such a capacity is indeed the ultimate criterion of moral character, then the Savior of the world is the perfect example of such a consistent and charitable character.

6. Cuddle with and kiss all 3 of my boys more.

And we crash

It has to happen. Every time we fly home Sir O gets an ear infection.
I'm not sure why, but I'm grateful it doesn't happen when we fly to places, only when we return.

He has spent the last two days being the most miserable I've ever seen him. Not fun for the mamma. He's barely eaten anything, and both tylenol and motrin seem to make him hyper, followed by an ugly crash and burn.

The Captain's been wandering around quite unsure of how to proceed with life; his usual terrorizer is absentee.


So..... it's almost 11pm. Sir O's sleeping in my spot on my bed. The Captain is crying in the boys' room, and I'm really hoping he figures out how to fall asleep on his own soon, because it looks like I'll be sleeping in Sir O's bed tonight. Have I mentioned how the Captain has persisted in being the lightest sleeper of all time? Ridiculous. The sleep deprivation - for over a year now - blows my mind.

And this is on top of my post-vacation blues. I can safely say that I want my mom.

Hello, Goodbye

It is very easy to get out of the habit of blogging when there are plenty of adults to talk to in real-life.
But we just got home last night from our month-long vacation. I was worried it would be too long, but it was actually really nice. We weren't too terribly rushed and the boys had enough time to get comfortable with most everybody.

(Oliver got a little edgy toward the end there, but we're choosing to blame that on the copious sugar binges he was continually on)

So now we're back. And I'm remembering how much I hate adjusting to being back; to being the only adult around all. day. long. After being with Mr Renn all day every day it's pretty lonely by contrast, not to mention how much more work it is.

But, back to reflecting fondly.....

The Captain had a superb first birthday.
My family made sure (behind my back) that he got his fill of cake.

And his favorite gift was a pink birthday card from my grandma.


The HSF showed up, making me feel like a rockstar. (Actually everyone who showed up made me feel like a rockstar..........)


I got my owl fix, it's now out of my system - complete with Mr Renn's cheeseballs, arranged by my mom.



Yeah, we are nerds. But we had fun!
Lots more photo and video on my flickr.