Keeping to ourselves

I'm pretty certain at least one of our family of four has been ill every day this month. I cannot handle another PA Winter, no matter how much I love Spring and Fall. Today it was another GI bug knocking Mr Renn down for the count, and Sir O had a slightly less severe version of it. So the Captain and I have been keeping each other company today.

Luckily he's great company.

Sea Legs

Does this make anyone else a little sea-sick?

Hello Vanity

Remember when Sir O knocked his tooth crooked?

Lesson learned: Children who run a lot should not wear footed pajamas.

I was feeling so hopeful because it was slowly moving back into place.
And then this week Mr Renn announced that it's darkening.
It's dead.
And Sir O's permanent tooth won't move in to replace it for another four years.
And the going wisdom for dead baby teeth is to leave them be and not risk messing with the development of permanent teeth below.

4 years with a dark tooth in the front and center of his smile.

I. am. devastated.

Mr Renn, he's not.

Mr Renn had 2 dead permanent teeth hanging out in the front of his smile during his critical adolescence; courtesy of his historic skateboarding crash as a kid. Apparently it didn't phase him.



(and in this picture it actually doesn't look so bad. Too bad we can't know what lovely shade of yellow to gray to brown this tooth will turn.)

I'm pretty sure Sir O himself isn't going to be phased by it either. He's far too busy to be worried about things like vanity.

I'm the one with the vanity, on his behalf.

And I'm the one who has to come to terms with it. I have to come to terms with how much I care about how people think my kids look. Clearly I care too much. Way too much.

So, how exactly does one get over that? (Besides having God in his infinite wisdom and humor kill your child's tooth?)

Motherhood Prep 101

My cousin has been conversing with me over the mid-midlife crisis that is being a single college girl. Some of my very fondest and very worst memories spring from that window of awkwardness.

So she asked me, "You mentioned that you would prioritize preparing yourself to be a better wife and mother. How would you go about doing that? I'm not sure what the best way to prepare for that is."

And I wanted a blockbuster answer. I wanted to cover nearly every corner of that pandora's box. So I asked just about everyone I know (on facebook) to share with me ways in which they wish they'd been more prepared. Here's what we all came up with, realizing some of it is completely contradictory. That's how real-life works. (Slightly curated to not be too repetitious or take 7 hours to read)

Hopefully this provides some ideas for "preparation"..... feel free to add your thoughts in the comments!

A mother needs to be able to:

• Motivate small children to clean up after themselves without making them hate her.
• Stay on top of the (copious) laundry in a good-habit manner in which she barely realizes she's doing it.
• Keep dishes and meals cycling through the kitchen smoothly enough that the dishes don't form overwhelming piles and you're never scrambling for what to feed hungry kids.
• Multitask while nursing (even if the "other" task is sleeping)
  
• Never lose her temper
• Control what language and subject matter is allowed in her home and amongst her family
  
• Structure her own days and stay on task when nobody is keeping track but herself.
• Have the willpower to accomplish what is required of her with tremendous opposition (usually in the form of whining, fighting, mess-making, and other natural disasters).
• Be flexible and unfazed when the unexpected happens and plans have to change.
• Be familiar with her needs and wants and where the line between them lies. (Recognize that sleep, food, and alone time with your spouse ARE NEEDS)
• Have an arsenal of lesson plans and activity ideas for preschoolers, all ready at a moments notice
• Relax and enjoy being with her children when she can think of a million reasons not to.
• Function on inadequate sleep for months (years?) on end.
• Convince her husband that she needs help even when she feels guilty asking for it. (She does! and she does!)
• Not be surprised or reactive when she is most annoyed by the little people she loves most.
• Recognize how her behavior is affecting others' (her children's) behavior and adjust it accordingly.
• Develop close, supportive, low-maintenance relationships with other women in varying stages of life.
• Efficiently manage all aspects of house and home upkeep. Have a routine/schedule for staying on top of things that she knows better than the backs of her eyelids.
• Keep herself and her child(ren) in a routine so everyone knows what to do/expect next.
• Learn as she goes, and always be open to what there is for her to learn in the now.
  

A mother should:

• Know a lot of songs that kids will like (such as the entire Children's Songbook)
• Empty her dishwasher/dish drainer first thing in the morning
• Enjoy every moment she's in, even the hard ones
• Not kill herself with goals and lists, especially with a newborn on hand.
• Be in tune enough with her body to avoid accidentally depriving it of sleep and food (if it can be helped).
• Enjoy her children when she's tempted to berate or try to change them
• Find a way to carve out regular time for exercise, even when it requires tremendous force of will to make it happen. It will pay for itself in energy.
  
• Have hobbies that can be done from home, with little or no money spent.
• Be organized and have her life decluttered enough that she can keep track of all things at all times.
• Expect each and every new child to be a ton of work and joy
• Always be more patient than she actually is feeling inside.
• Have started a collection of children's books long, long before she has children of her own.
• Schedule time to get things accomplished when she doesn't also have to care for her kids. (Many recommend late night errand runs)
• Be consistent, be consistent, and be consistent some more. Especially when it requires more energy than she actually has to be consistent.
• Tell her kids she loves them at least once every day.
• Take what she loves the most (art/music/literature/the Rolling Stones) and share it with your kids from the beginning.
• Have herculean self-discipline in all aspects of life.
• Make an educated decision far in advance about that media will and will not be allowed in her home, and stick to it despite how unpopular it might make her.
• Be humble
• Have a mission statement to refer to when life gets distracting, to make sure her priorities and actions are in accordance.
• Take lots of pictures, especially when child-induced disasters inevitably occur. It will help you think about how you want to respond before you actually do it.
  

A wife needs to be able to

• Never lose her temper
• not hold grudges, even justified ones
• recognize when her hormones are raging, and control the associated impulses
• Make conscious efforts to be romantic and sentimental even when she's dead tired and ornery out her ears.
• Be familiar with her limitations, communicate them well, and not set herself up to fail by overshooting them.
• Implement a budget, and live by it with exactness.
• Feed picky eaters for extended periods of time.
• Love and be happy and comfortable with herself (first) making it possible to believe and accept these things from someone else.
• Ask her husband for favors in a manner that makes him feel appreciated (and thus eager to help) rather than sending the message he's not pulling his weight.
  
• Clarify for her husband whether she is asking him for something she "wants" or something she "needs". He'll respond differently to each, although hopefully comply with both.
• Be able to meal plan and cook for one, or two, or many. And do it frugally.
  

A wife should

• Convince her husband/loved ones she feels lucky to have him(them).
• Create an environment at home where everyone feels safe and relieved to be there.
• Anticipate others needs and desires
• Know that one form of birth control is never enough
• Have married someone she is confident will be a wonderful father.
• Not get offended if her husband doesn't automatically see and take care of things that (to you) obviously need to be taken care of.
• Tell her husband she loves him at least once every day.
• Be humble
  

Quotables

Have a heart that never hardens,
Have a temper that never fires,
Have a touch that never hurts.
When you have been wronged, a poor memory is your best response.

Go somewhere where there are lots of very rude people.
Make sure that none of them want to do what you say,
clean up after themselves, say please or thank you without being
prompted, can shower themselves, etc.
Then live with them for a few years, but not only that.
Make sure that you care for their every need, clean their clothing,
make their food AND LOVE THEM.  Oh yeah, and wake up from at least
2 - 10 times a night,  changing the bed clothes for at least one person each
night. Do that the entirety of your "practice run" and you MIGHT begin to
be ready for motherhood.


"Having married extremely early, and had a newborn just about one year
afterward,my suggestion is to not wait for the "right" time to go do those
adventures that you dream about now.  Live your life with the expectation
that marriage and family will come, and use the time to expand your horizons
and know yourself intimately before they arrive.  Know what keeps you calm,
engages your mind, makes you smile and gives you comfort.  If you can, go to
those places that spark your imagination, whether it be a museum, a
different country, a different state.  Take care to really develop a strong
sense of who YOU are and who YOU want to be."

"Require yourself to develop emotional resiliency by trying to eliminate
whining, blaming, pity parties, self-indulgence, etc.  Regularly sacrifice
in the service of someone else, esp. where you probably will not be thanked. 
Read your scriptures voraciously - you will have less time to do this after
you start your family. You not only need the habit of reading, but the
foundation of basic principles embedded in your heart."

"...love evolves and slowly changes into what I would consider real love.
Which is very different from the "obsessive/falling in love" state you are
in when you first meet and fall in love.  But I am not saying you still
can't feel that way, because you can, it's just if you were to stay
completely in that state, you wouldn't be able to progress in other areas
as fully. I also think that may be where a lot of couples give up,
thinking they lost that “feeling” or whatever, when really this is what
love is all about."

"Long term success in marriage is determined far more by commitment than
by feelings of love. Love within a marriage ebbs and flows. There will be
periods of deep passion and fulfillment followed by potential periods of
dislike and definitely discontent. The trick is to be committed enough to
do what it takes to bring the love and feeling back. Marriage is about
friendship, selfless service, sacrifice, teamwork, compromise, & love.
A marriage requires time and attention and will die if ignored. From what
I have experienced in my own marriage and from what I have read on the
subject of successful marriage, COMMITMENT to each other, to the marriage,
to the family, and to God are key to success in marriage."

"I think the most important thing whether it is marriage, motherhood, or
life in general is finding JOY.  It is the simple little things that I try
to find joy in.  I feel happy because I have a clean kitchen, read a new
book, or just sat and played with my kids.  If you have inner peace and
joy, you can basically handle anything.  If you learn to find JOY even
in gloomy times of life, you have nothing to fear."

"It is when I am able to feel compassion, and give service willingly
to my husband and children, that our family is the most happy."

"Marriage is the most intense and beautiful of all my relationships.
I would tell your cousin, however, that there are 2 very specific things
she can do now to prepare.  First, have an unwavering commitment to the
gospel. Two people who are firmly committed to the gospel will naturally
implement Christ-like attributes into their relationships.  Second, be
quick to forgive others.  Forgiving takes practice and experience. 
There will be MANY times she will need to forgive and be forgiven in her
marriage."

"Cooking, house keeping, and generally running a household will come with
time, practice, and effort. I would say it's more of the "soft" traits -
like how you react to certain situations, your attitude, and the strength
of your interpersonal skills that take more finesse to develop and really
make an impact on marriage/family."

“I asked several bishops what self-reliance skills the sisters in their
wards needed most, and they said budgeting. Women need to understand
the implications of buying on credit and not living within a budget.
The second skill bishops listed was cooking. Meals prepared and eaten
at home generally cost less, are healthier, and contribute to stronger
family relationships.”

Conclusions

I think perhaps if you are going to have multiple small children,
and feed them 3 meals a day
in the kitchen....


You ought also to have a small dog.
Otherwise you have to teach your preschooler to sweep,



and a dog would do a better job.
I bet our kitchen floor could keep 2 small dogs very happy.

Slow and Steady

The Captain's personality is so markedly different from Sir O's.
Nowhere has this been more apparent than in walking.
Sir O dove right into walking at 10 1/2 months and never looked back. The Captain is infinitely more cautious (which may or may not be related to having your head sat upon more days than not) and never dives right into anything.
And so at 13 1/2 months he is starting to think this walking thing might actually get him places. He is still very cautious, and prone to sitting right down the moment he wobbles, but he's getting there.

Most days we find it fascinating how both of these boys came from the same parents (us).

Eat Me

I can't even take a photo of the Captain lately, but that he sees me and decides he needs to eat the lens cap. So his little face is never in focus. Touche.

I should put him to work on a streetcorner with a tin mug

Would you find this the least bit distracting while trying to prepare dinner?
This boy knows how to beg and be bossy simultaneously.
By the way, dinner was coconut curry soup. Yum.

The Winter of our discontent

I give you fair warning that I am seething with hormones today. This state of being always predisposes me to irritability and ease of offense.

And in that condition, I contemplate all the ways in which I am "so over" living in my shoebox apartment. Today I am finding a long list of unbearables.

The Captain puking through the night + laundromat hours posted 9am-9pm. I must wait until everyone is awake and sleep-deprived-ornery to attempt to begin damage control? I say attempt, because escaping the apartment into the abyss is often achieved only to find that laundry wars are in full-force and I will have to time things just-right to get a machine.

Having both boys in the same bedroom, period. With the way the Captain sleeps (or doesn't sleep), this is significantly shortening my life span.

Having about 1.5 square feet of counter space, with no dishwasher, disposal, or windows in my kitchen. It doesn't take much imagination to see how that could get old. (And I'd rather have a disposal than a dishwasher, if it came down to it)

Having to go for a 5-10 minute walk to take out the trash.

Having parking-spot anxiety, particularly in the ice/snow. Parking-spot anxiety combined with trying to unload groceries and bring kids inside from the car is ugly.

But what's really (really) chapping my hide today is how this space is affecting the boys lately. With no safe designated outdoor space, and so little space to play inside, the stir-craziness peaks 5 or 6 times daily. The toy-clutter and dumping become ritualistic, and I inevitably become the mom that yells.

I think there are some families that can thrive in close quarters, but we are not one of them. With boys whose personalities are as big as all outdoors, we need space to keep from eroding each other.

Playing outside (even in bad weather) is like a drug for Sir O; it has a miraculous effect on his demeanor. But especially since we were recently informed (by police) that a convicted sex-offender has moved into our apartment complex, Sir O can only play outside when someone can keep a close and constant eye on him. And there's only one of me, you know.

A lot of people have told me how much they missed/think I am going to miss Dental school. There are a few small things I know I will miss, but by and large I think I've had a very different experience from most. Especially toward the end I've had a tiny support system, almost no playmates for Sir O, a budget so tight that anything with a cost is a moot point, seasonal depression (hello February), and a husband with consistent, relentless 11-hour "workdays". (I say all that through my hormone-colored glasses)

I am so ready to move on.

3 months.

Somehow that's both a terribly long and a reasonably short amount of time.

This too shall pass.

To Sir, with love

Sir O,

So sorry about that 12 hour stomach bug that just about crushed you.
Sorry that you're still so traumatized by it that you don't want to eat.
Sorry that I had to take away so many of your toys this morning. I'm still hoping that if I'm consistent you will figure out that dumping everything you own on the floor is not a good idea.

I'm a little worried that in the last 2 weeks you've figured out how to use the computer and the DVD player, and commandeered them both for your viewing pleasure. Lately the only things that bring you viewing pleasure are Sid the Science Kid, videos of yourself as a baby, and Mighty Machines. Most of the time I can be found chanting to myself in a corner, "it's a phase, it's a phase, it's a phase."

You're getting better about not body-slamming your little brother, although you still don't quite get the concept "be soft with him." I don't know why I think that repeating it 400 times each day will make a difference.

I'm sorry about the whole month of February and the stir-craziness that it entails. I'm sorry that this crazy snow weather is compounding the problem. I'm sorry I can't play in the snow with you more, the Captain is just not up for playing in snow as tall as he is.
Thank you for liking me anyway.

Thank you for wanting me to read story after story to you at bedtime.
Thanks for learning with me. I'm sorry you have to be the experimented-upon oldest child. Sometimes I think you don't have the personality to handle that well.

Please eat something soon.

Love,
Mom

Ottoman Facelift

Right before we moved to philly we inherited this ottoman with storage from family. It was covered in a cream chenille, and had considerable soot staining. It spent 3 years with various blankets thrown over it, because we're classy like that.


I bought fabric to reupholster it off of ebay about 2 years ago. Unfortunately I didn't buy enough, so we improvised and lined the inside with red fabric that I bought to reupholster chairs (which chairs Mr Renn took it upon himself to take to the thrift store without telling me shortly after the fabric was purchased)



Mr Renn decided it was time for the project to be tackled before our Christmas break, and we deconstructed and completed the lid. (And there it sat for another month and a half).





Do you have any idea how much staple removal is involved in reupholstery?



During Mr Renn's snow-days last week we finally finished it, and now that the new feet have arrived (also complements of ebay), I can share and feel like I've accomplished something.




It's far from perfect, but it's still an improvement.



And for being our first upholstery project, with no training or resources, other than piecing together the fabric we removed, I'm pretty proud of it. (Go us!) More photos here.

Sometimes I feel bad for my neighbors

For the Love of

Valentines day at our house. There is a reason I love this holiday.

We dressed up for church.



Mr Renn made us a fancy fondue dinner. We all felt so festive!





Then Mr Renn gave me a pedicure and stayed awake through Bright Star, which may be the most romantic movie of all time. (At least it surpassed Il Postino, which used to hold that title in my book - and the movies have some eerie similarities, including that they both make me sob hysterically)

And we finally captured the Captain taking a few hesitant steps. This kid is in no hurry to walk. (And this video is long and I'm too lazy to edit it)

Pretty hard to beat.

Salt + other ingredients

Just when I was losing control of "the situation" this morning, I decided it was time to try out my friend Margie's salt dough recipe. Sir O is a fan of tactile experiences, and the squishy warmth of fresh salt dough proved to be just what he needed to bring his stir-craziness down a notch.

Perhaps it can save your day too.



Margie's Play Dough
(cleans up well - dries really crumbly and then vacuums up like a dream)

2 C Flour
1/2 C. Salt
2 TBSP Alum or cream of tartar
3 TBSP vegetable oil
1 Cup boiling water
(a few drops food coloring if desired - I recommend adding the color to the water before other ingredients are incorporated)

Mix all ingredients and knead until desired consistency. Don't let children handle it while it's too hot.

Enjoy!

City

This is what happens when Mr Renn has two snow-days in a row.

Up (What is)

Ordinariness abounds.
Mr Renn's school is cancelled tomorrow in anticipation of another snow-dump-day.
(Thus we cannot find it in us to dislike this snow).

Our obnoxious plastic transition-to-walking toy broke this morning. So after institute this morning, we visited the thrift store where I found a push-cart that weighs twice as much as the captain and will probably outlast me, (as well as a cute rocking chair with a really drippy paint job). All for under $8.

Mr Renn's going to kill me when he gets home. We are supposed to be de-junking.


Sir O managed to plow into the floor last night as he was running in footed pajamas in the kitchen. Somehow or other he jammed one of his front teeth further into his gums and out-wards a little. Mr Renn says there is a chance it will correct itself, but didn't didn't seem nearly as distressed as I did. I always resent that a little.


And Sir O has taken to playing with my hair. Always a party around here.

Self: this is your life. Or at least your entire morning.

Dear Time

I'm reaching that point with Sir O where every so often I realize how grown up he is, and how I can do nothing about it.


It makes me hyperventilate a little.



And then I realize that the Captain is well on his way to being a toddler instead of a baby and my heart stops.



How is it that growing up happens just slowly enough that we can't see it happening in front of us? It always takes some reflection to notice it.
Do you ever wonder how much the advent of photography affected our ability to notice and record and care about change?
Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have been a mother with no photographs of my children, or of myself as a child. Would I notice as keenly how quickly they are changing?



(Probably not, I'd be too busy doing all the laundry by hand and cooking over a fire and such).

Yet a part of me is really excited to meet the people my children will become. I fiercely hope we are friends, and that they are dear friends with one another. Perhaps that is my fondest wish.

Whenever I come across a family of likeable, responsible, ambitious, close-knit adult siblings, I always wish I could drill their parents and uncover the secret to making it happen.

Because if they have to grow up (and the sleep-deprived part of me is okay with that), then I really want them to grow up to be the most wonderful sort of people.

What are you hoping for?

Powder

It keeps coming - steady through tonight. We're hoping to remain happy about it, although the Captain and I have been stuck inside with our coughs, and the Captain does NOT like being left out of things.

Time to cuddle up and count our blessings.

Sir O and his art show

Back in July Sir O got a camera for his birthday. (Thanks to ebay) I put a relatively puny memory card (128mb?) in along with some batteries and figured I'd download his pictures when he filled the memory card or the batteries died, whichever came first.

Six months later, the batteries are dead. Because this camera takes such low-resolution photos, there were over 500 on the card, and I had occasionally gone through and deleted the completely impossible to make-any-meaning-out-of ones.

So, finally I can share some of the work of Sir O (and every other kid who'se played with his camera). There are some pretty great finds in there.

Self Portraits:


Lots to blackmail his mom with:


A lot of photos of the television - which in NO WAY indicate that he watches too much of it, right?:


Some perspective:


Some I think are just beautiful:


And several that I'm trying to pin down which visiting preschooler was the photographer:


All in all, a good little show. See it here.

Dear February: Go away.

It's almost 2 am. The kids and I are sick. The capt is so uncomfortable that it took forever to get him back to sleep and he keeps waking up because it hurts to swallow. And he has what I'm having. It seems we are sick all winter on the East Coast. It gets really old really fast.

Mr Renn takes his part II written boards today. It would be ideal if he could wait to get sick until they are over. (It would be more ideal if none of us were sick, but I'm aiming low)

I've said it before and nothing was ever truer. The only thing worse than having a sick baby is being a sick mamma with a sick baby, and to do it all on no sleep.

I'm off to scrounge for chloraseptic in the dark. And enjoy the part where the captain is sure to wake up screaming in pain again less than 10 min after I manage to fall asleep through my own pain.

My mantra - this is my last Febru-delphia. I dare to hope that next February I will see the sun quasi-regularly, and spend at least 6 days out of the month not wallowing in illness. Audacious of me, I know. It's the sleep deprivation talking.

ETA: Mr Renn is now off to take his boards on very little sleep and with a headache - due to the aforementioned rough night with the Captain (which went as bad or worse than I was anticipating at 2am). Any prayers and good vibes you can send his way will be beyond appreciated!